WOW Moments...

I have had many of those this last week. WOW moments...

First of all, there is too much going on in my head, too much to write about to get to tonight, but, I wanted to throw a few things out there for further discussion/writings. So, here it goes...

When my husband and I decided to look into adoption, we researched several options. We had been married 14 years with no children and had fallen into a pretty productive and lucrative lifestyle. We were successful in our relationship and our careers. Where am I going with this? Well, the way we got to where we were was by planning, scheduling, and researching everything in our lives. So, when we decided to adopt, we did just that. We planned, researched (till the cows came home) and scheduled everything.

Now I know. I know that it doesn't matter how much you plan, how long and how much you research, and how much you schedule with adoption - the outcome is a child (or children in our case) and it wasn't until they were home and we became a family that I realized that there was nothing that we did that could prepare us for parenthood - especially adoptive parenthood.

Here we are now, I no longer am working my 50+ hour a week career, we are living paycheck to paycheck, and although we try to follow a schedule - well, all I can say is, we try.

So, one of my gripes tonight is this...

I think we did a great job preparing ourselves for adoption. I do think, however, that we were failed in preparation of adoption by our adoption agency/social workers. There are so many aspects of our adoption that were missed, that were "looked over". I feel that the adoption world, especially the international adoption world is successful in making the adoptive parent the "focus" of the adoption. As I read the forums and the several e-mail discussion groups I am a part of, I consistently see "I", and "me" and "us" and it is always the adoptive parent who is upset or has been mistreated, or is not getting information, or is having issues with their adoption. I have been constantly blindsided with the fact these last few weeks that hardly anyone is focusing on the child or the children involved. Let's not forget about the child, the innocent child who has no say or seemingly no rights in the adoption process. Let's stop worrying about what we as adoptive parents are going through, or what our agencies or attorneys or our own emotions are doing for us. Let's just focus on the child, and the needs of the child. By doing that, adoptive parents need to get ourselves healthy, and prepare ourselves as well as we can mentally prior to getting that child home. If we cannot be in the right place when the time come to proceed in adoption, and bring a child into our homes when we are not prepared health wise, mentally and financially, does that mean we fail the child? In a way, I think, yes!

I see so many adoptive parents complaining once their child is home about attachment, about sleeping problems, eating problems, behavior problems and I can't help wonder if some (I am only saying "some") of those issues are stemming from the unprepared adoptive parent.

Don't get me wrong, I am not scolding adoptive parents nor am I excluding myself from this group of adoptive parents. Quite the contrary, I see this or have seen it in my life and I am seeing it more and more in the adoptive community.

Is it because more and more agencies are merely looking for a buck and not worried about what happens after the children come home? Why is it that it seems that the dollar, the agencies, the aparents, the outsiders are the focus during the adoption process and why is it the child isn't always the focus? Not every situation is that way, but it seems to me that it is heading that way more often within the international adoption community.

That was much more than I wanted to get into tonight, but there it is....

More tomorrow...